Jokes- Readers Digest Best Jokes

Everything that makes us laugh, if not at least that makes us smile :) and also some scary stuff will be in this forums
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dilip
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Jokes- Readers Digest Best Jokes

Postby dilip » Sat May 08, 2010 1:12 pm

“Laughter the best medicine” is a term coined by Reader’s Digest. I used to read Readers Digest now and then during my education times. There is a jokes column in that magazine. Ofcourse many jokes of it are plain - But A Joke is a Joke Is a Joke :D . Here we are presenting some selected Jokes which are meant to be the best of the lot. If they are not going to make u laugh atleast we are expecting some smiles :)

Engineers and Lawyers


Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought
only one ticket between them.
‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly
after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet
door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their
astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel
without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers
into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out
of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What’s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women
who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts.

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dilip
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Re: More Readers Digest Best Jokes

Postby dilip » Sat May 08, 2010 1:13 pm

Aforeign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
“Twenty years,” replied the guide.
‘You Indians are a lazy lot,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have
been built in five.’
At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
‘Only ten years,’ said the guide.
The tourist retorted: ‘You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.’
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t
know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.”
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Overheard at the veterinarian’s: ‘I had my cat neutered. He’s still out all
night with the other cats, but now he’s a consultant.’

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dilip
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Re: Jokes- Readers Digest Best Jokes

Postby dilip » Sat May 08, 2010 1:15 pm

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be
down presently,’ the receptionist told him.
‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’
‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman.
‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were
invented in the States.’
‘Perhaps,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.‘

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

‘I’m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,’ said the
friend to the old man.
‘Oh, don’t worry, I can drive.’
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Aman who had just died, arrived at heaven’s gate. Before allowing him
entry, St. Peter asked him if he’d ever loved a woman.
‘No,’ the man replied, ‘Not a single one.’
‘Did you have a friend you cared for?’
‘No.’
‘Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature?’
‘No.’
‘What took you so long to get here?’ asked a surprised St. Peter. ‘You’ve been
dead for ages.’



______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.
‘Dad,’ he asked, ‘What is the difference between “anger” and “exasperation”?’
‘Well, son,’ said his father, ‘I’ll give you a practical demonstration.’
His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.
‘Hello,’ said a voice at the other end.
‘Hello,’ said Ernie’s father. ‘Is Melvin there?’
‘There is no one called Melvin here!’ the voice replied. ‘Why don’t you look
up numbers before you dial them?’
‘You see?’ said Ernie’s father. ‘That man was not at all happy with our call.
But watch this!’
He then dialled the number again, and says, ‘Hello, is Melvin there?’
‘Now look here!’ the voice said angrily. ‘I told you there is no Melvin here!
You have got a lot of nerve calling again!’
‘Did you hear that?’ Ernie’s father asked. ‘That was “anger”. Now, I will show
you what “exasperation” is!’
He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie’s
father said: ‘Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?’

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dilip
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Re: Jokes- Gods Address

Postby dilip » Sat May 08, 2010 1:23 pm

Apoor man sat begging outside a temple. ‘In the name of Bhagwan give
this hungry man some money to fill his belly,” he cried. “Bhagwan will bless
you.’ But the devotees gave him very little. In disgust the beggar left the
temple and sat outside a country liquor shop. ‘A few paise in the name of
Bhagwan,’ he whined. As customers came out of the shop in high spirits,
many dropped rupee notes in his bowl. Thanking God, the beggar said: ‘Hey
Bhagwan, truly inscrutable are thy ways! You give one address but live in
another.’

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Re: Funny Meanings

Postby dilip » Sat May 08, 2010 3:11 pm

Bacteria: the back entrance to a cafeteria.

Buoyant: male equivalent of gallant.

Dogma: the mother of puppies.

Ultimate: the last person to marry.

Vice versa: dirty poems.

tekla
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Re: Jokes- Readers Digest Best Jokes

Postby tekla » Sat Sep 25, 2010 8:35 am

There were only two cars at the end of my exit ramp, but no one was moving. Clearly the first driver was too timid to blend into the flow of traffic. Opportunity after opportunity passed her by, and cars piled up on the ramp. Finally, the driver moved, spurred by an exasperated motorist at the end of the line, who yelled, "The sign says yield, not surrender!"

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The photo in our local paper showed a cubicle that had been destroyed by a fire. The accompanying article said it happened in a state office building and the blaze started when something fell onto a toaster, accidentally switching it on and igniting some paper. I was about to turn the page when my husband asked, "Did you notice where it happened?"

"No," I said. "Where?"

"At the Bureau of Occupational and Industrial Safety."

johanneke
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Re: Jokes- Readers Digest Best Jokes

Postby johanneke » Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:28 pm

Two atoms cross a road. After crossing one atom says to the other, "I think I just lost an electron.".
The other atom ask, "Are you sure?".
The atom replies, "I'm positive!"


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